New games–eight years on

In February of 2006, after an evening of unsuccessful parlour games and successful alcohol consumption, I resolved to invent some new games. Unfortunately they never caught on, although anarchic chess was a brief fad. I reprint, below.


Requires three players or more. Each player must assume the name of a different player, then, starting with the player whose favourite colour is beige (or nearest number) must each declare a synonym for “drunk”. The third person to declare is the “prick”.


Requires all playing participants. Each player must align vertically with the horizon at sunset, perpendicular to the area of play, diagonally opposite square 1. Starting with the tallest player, each player must attempt to throw two sixes. Once every player has thrown two sixes, they may each make any moves they deem necessary in their own time, until such point as one player has revealed a “tadger”. Spectators may shout clues only after the game has finished.


The game requires one player for each door. The nicest door starts by declaring “Shop!”. Each player must then leave their door, turn left three times, and move to a vacant door. Anyone left standing at a door which is not vacant is considered “overpopulated” and withdrawn from play. Repeat until only one player remains. This player becomes “judge”, and is entitled to rate the sexual attractiveness of all withdrawn players using any scale he or she sees fit, provided there are no conflicts of interest.


The player who most desires to play must first ask several people if they wish to play “Last”. Each person who: 1. Was asked to play; and 2. agrees to play, is considered a player. Each player must write down their age on the front of a sealed envelope. The envelopes are then shuffled by any player and redistributed. Any player who recieves an envelope containing an age that is the same as their own loses. The winner is the last player to die, or the person with the youngest age (whichever comes first).

Anarchic Chess

This game is based on a classic pre-existing game. This is for two players, who sit at a chess board. However, there is a small bag over each chess piece meaning that the player cannot tell which bit is which, or even which colour the piece is. Each player may move any piece and use it to take any other piece. The game should be played for seven minutes, after which time the bags are removed from the pieces. Each player may analyse the board for two minutes, after which the board is cleared and each player is allowed to speak for five minutes on the subject of “I think I am the winner because…” Winner is the second person to speak. No refutals. Remember to leave your last minute for summing up.


I am an amateur novelist, an aspiring tax advisor, a cycle commuter, and a graduate of philosophy, politics and law

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